electronic impulses from brain to fingers; directed? sometimes. random? always.
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Chinkie for life.
NorCal for life.
Bruin for life.
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Saturday, May 31, 2003
met with my counselor.
found copy of "The Blue and Brown Books" by Wittgenstein, where the first line is: "Whats in a word?"
quality.
there is enough to this ONE guy, Ludwig Wittengenstein (1889-1945) to satisfy the questioning mind that has a fetish for paradoxical thinking for a while.
got my hair cut. i forgot my head looked like that. feels a lot lighter, and, as always, no nonsense! oh! how nice to be short haired again.
...
went to see Stephie's Outta WAC showcase, god she looked .. hmm divine as always.. well only saw up to her last performance (minus finale). the tap dance to Sean Paul was... different... i don't suggest it for next time.. nice try though. i noticed a lot of mainstreamy crappy non-useful music being used.. more than before, at least. well.. its the dance that makes the song, for me, if i hear it for the first time, like last year's senior solo to this Fiona Apple track. SHE was great.
Outta WAC reminded me of the tantalizing tip toes of Samantha and Hoann. i could see them doing their plies and pirouettes or whatnot to emotional woman music. hell i could see them stripping and going dow--- i mean, dancing hip hop. right. right...
"Stronger" by Aguilera was used in a piece called "Fighters," centered around empowerment of the woman. used Spoken Word. i may be too critical and whatever but.... never mind i'm not going to criticize; the total package was there and message was conveyed. i just wouldve worded things differently, of course, but i'm a fucking guy, what do I know about oppression and empowerment and freedom right? made me think of Hypnotix though. except these Outta WAC girls can actually convey attitude, conviction, strength, and grace.. and do justice to the meaning of the song. [shrug] dis is wat i saying das all.
found out there is an Ethnomusicology Spring Music Festival at Schoenberg that has been from May 15-June 1 that features East Asian, Near East, African, Latin, Chinese, Korean specific cultural arts, ie dance, music, etc. "The Music of China" is tomorrow night but obviously, i can't go. instead, ill be performing with my S&M bondage crew.. HERE. kind of tight, we are featured on a flyer! shit i haven't even been able to give this to my 'real' friends.
...
then Z-trip and Mixmaster Mike concert.
i was pleasantly surprised at the level of production involved in this. it was set up like a big indoor event, like at a club or rave or something. you know the deal with tablist/scratch DJ events, its not exactly dance oriented (but that shit don matta to me nahmsayin!) and people like to watch the DJ or the video screen of the tables. no one was dancing, everyone was entranced by the swift hands of Ztrip and MMMike! rightly so, MMM was fuckin tight.
key point: Organ donor! and Apache, which made me wonder, are the bboys dancing? at which point i turned around to where the circle was filled and found it empty except for one bboy Kevin gettin down. rightly so, its fuckin Incredible Bongo Band, biaaaaaaaaaatch! and a bunch of other tight beats, some i had never heard.
got schooled in waves a bit. work on smalls, then ticks, then powers! never heard of power waves but yea those are the fast and strong ones.
i lost my rings to a bean, then i got stuck in some amber sap trickling from a musical tree.. and sigh luckily cowgirl was there to save me.
thanks to Kiran I got to go to Northridge, albeit late, to kick it with my boy Jeff for his 'birthday.' (it was on the 28th, i thought the 29th!)
...
HAPPY TWENTY FUCKING FIRST BIRTHDAY to my boy Jeff.
friends aren't always the ones that deserve forgiving, but then again they do, because they'll be there when it matters. for now, screw em and hang out witcha woman! have fun with the suspenders and wolf mask, and sometime i hope they realize SD is nothing compared to LA. write about it.. or use it to write; whichever.
...
and of course, figuring out what to do and what not to do with girls is always fun and exciting. especially when it means, hey, no more of anything with anyone!
just say no.
......
things will get better now. they FUCKING BETTER will get better shoooooot
doobin @ 5:52 AM
Friday, May 30, 2003
honest to blog, i swear
......
i have a feeling that youre not being honest.
youre lying beneath your feet,
between your teeth, and
youve belittled your beliefs
......
i don't know why but i just don't feel honest anymore. and i may have found the reasons. well there is more than one reason now, seeing as how there is a whole shitload of things that are contributing to problems here and there and even there and oh wait! there too. its like.. once there's one crack, it spawns many other cracks, and soon the cracks all together contribute to one phat lightning of synaptic danger zone earthquake type shit.
i mean.. a wall is only as strong as its flaws allow. nothing, as it seems, is indomitable.
i was going to go on about how, oh i don't feel like i'm using a true, honest voice with my writing, but then.. i know why, its because i'm not being honest with myself. and i'm not being honest to my friends. and not being honest; true to life and what ive set forth before me. yes and no? no wonder my words are dishonest, no wonder they aren't focused on conveying anything but nonsense.. i mean what else am i good at right? right.
i was conversing with a dear friend whom i NEVER see yet always remember when it comes to times like these, and i realized i have been running away. not stopping once to face anything, just being a little bitch about it;
fucking pussy!
YES! ME Waylan! ME fucking pussy YES! YOU Pussy.
ive been gallavanting and having grand experiences and wonderful fulfilling times with good company, but what are experiences with nothing to reference them to? how can good be good without knowing the bad that made that good 'good?'
the fact that i am losing track of the things that bother me is unnerving. piling up and boiling oer the edge like the ramen i left on the stove too long, all the issues, petty or not, have finally fused into this one phat essense. and that essense has been manifested and it sucks because i mistake it for pain, for emptiness, for unwillingness, for fear, for naivete, for insincerity, for stupidity; for failure. for shame.
my weekend was damn great, but i dont even feel like talking about it anymore. even Mother's Day weekend was exciting and enjoyable but its like i don't remember why.
i don't know if i should feel better or worse when i find others asking similar questions about life and why its shitty sometimes and why 'struggle' lives on in the back of our souls as the shadow to the brilliant light of our spirit; or should i simply ask how to deal with it, implying that its there and un-rid-able?
fuck it, no struggle, no problem.. well damn that was easy. lets break out the biznongs and budz and celebrate.. and perpetuate that which we were escaping from. idiot
i kind of wish i were like jeremy sometimes. well i know i have been, but you know.. no more than NOW do i want to be there. i guess.. until the next time i want to be there.
right.
......
me: dear friend where have you been?
friend: who are you looking for?
me: well you of course.
friend: no i think you were looking for something else.
me: and I found you.
friend: are you sure?
me: how can i tell?
friend: can you think?
me: of course.
friend: then you haven't found me.
......
friend!
i beseech you --
i seek the endowement of inner peace;
bequeath to me that piece of mind which attains me
after paying a meditative lease.
please.
i kneel at your feet.
and repeat.
my world weeps while chaos is unleashed
its chains tear me link by link until my soul has been unsheathed.
what magik will prove defense remains to be unseen.
but
your aid will allow me to gain reprieve,
i believe.
any utterance of word would be a tumultuous tease;
upset the storm by blinding my shackles free;
offer me your wisdom from within,
lest i reel in defeat..
and flee.
friend,
i beseech you.
doobin @ 7:08 AM
Thursday, May 29, 2003
from Liana (Avehstab):
i wish i were a mermaid
even though i can't swim
then no man could part my legs
because all i'd have are fins
doobin @ 6:13 PM
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
what a crazy and opportune little weekend.. or week i should say, damn!.
......
the viewing of the LCC Spring 2003 Production: LCCgasms.
the show was impressive, as in caliber of performance and script for the players -- when compared to previous shows. or maybe I just understood more? [shaking head] anyway
the first skit was by far the most engaging and involving piece yet. story is about the meeting of two men who meet at an airport in New York and tell of their journeys of the heart. the depth is a result of the interplay of two independent but parallel stories and the development of the characters as those stories are simultaneous unraveled. the set was simple, just two chairs and bench for most of it, and a wooden mock of a Vietnam prisoner keep. but most importantly it was well acted.
there's a girl that played a sorority girl and she did a hella good job of acting like a ditzy but well-intentioned and honest cutesy girl.. and she was hot like a japanese softcore porn star
......
wednesday Lion Dance practice where we learned a sleep motion. i was feeling light on my toes because i was running in my good running shoes earlier and i think the bounciness stayed. was supposed to meet Miss A, but could not because I stayed up alot of the night at Powell.
...
upon dawning on an indigo rendezvous
a minute moment shattered into a four dimensional light cube.
blindness excelled beyond ears and the programming of gargantuan spotted cues
but alas its shadows proved to be brightest just before its waning doom.
......
thursday spent a bit of time on campus wandering about kerchoff to wait for someone whom i couldn't get in contact with. that was one of the most irking moments in the life of a can't get in contact with person. Stealth Man! SM. regardless, it was absolutlee deelightful when things began to fall in place. amber red pine green four four beats
practiced and learned from Massater jSon a woo little diddy...
its an rnb song thats all i know and if we get it sharp itll look tight... i like to hit the hits..
oh and then spent the night and day at an apartment that Jonathan is housesitting;
it is demeaning to me that someone my age lives in a place like that. i swear man... i just couldn't comprehend how that place looked the way it did. well, it certainly was different to put it in that way. the dogs waited until the chickens squawked away before barking up the right trees. my memory of the night encased in one portrait of consciousness.
** stream of consciousness = stream of thoughts = stream of awareness = stream of existence = stream of living/life? **
......
Friday happened to not have the energy to do anything but conserve the reserves, until 8pm and we hit Five - All-UC Hip Hop Dance Competition .. yeaaaa
all i gotta say is ACA is the shit for comin up the way they did, yeah CADC is awesome and seemed better.. but somehow the energy was there for ACA to hype up and make a big impression. I think maybe its those 'wow' moments? i heard from a friend that her former TA stated that if a paper at any point made him say 'Wow' then the paper got an 'A'. cuz to me ACA had hella wows (maybe because i'm comparing them to an inferior set). they're like the Lakers! last second boosts all the time huh! tssssssssss Fakers! Assoc of Chinese Fakemericans!
my god san diego is ... tearfully beautiful.. white on perfectly round black..
......
Taiko Invitational was Saturday and Sunday and i worked as a volunteer on Saturday workshops, usually as a mule. carrying taikos around! on my back not in my intestinals! i think i separated myself too much as a 'crew' person and thus prevented me from interacting a bit more.. but yea i didn't really feel like it anyway, only for a few. i just know that Taiko is the shit, there are more complexities than I imagined; layering, interplay, melodie, freestyle/improvisation, all the things that could classify classical or any academically analyzed music. Taiko is about the creation of an aural landscape combining with imagery/metaphor and demonstration of technique presented visually. ahhh... the sound of Taiko reminds me of waterdrops on a flat metal sheet, the different volumes of water contributing to different pitches of splatternoise.
...... this has to continue another when.
doobin @ 2:58 AM
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