electronic impulses from brain to fingers; directed? sometimes. random? always.
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Chinkie for life.
NorCal for life.
Bruin for life.
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Tuesday, October 28, 2003
102803: 0140PM Start :
......
Death.
......
friday i woke up and felt shitty; right in the center of my head, there was a headache stemming from both the results of emotional stress (from the night before), and the coming on of sickness. it hurt much for tears to come out when they did the night before, so i wasn't suprised that the next morning I felt the aftereffects of such an outpouring.
I took it easy; luckily I didn't have class. I was rummaging through the kitchen and found myself looking at a sink full of dirty dishes and I remember thinking 'fuck i don't feel like doing this.' But right when i thought that i caught myself and thought of Great-Aunt's death. If it truly was a start of a new type of life for her, if she really was going to begin a new chapter, I figured I could do the same. As the payment of respect, I could only support and spiritually accompany her on this new journey. So I cleaned my kitchen until it was spotless. similar to the New Year's ritual.
and then I just sat, I thought more deeply about .. death.. and just that whole concept.. I burned a stick of incense and sat and prayed, meditated, just thought about the idea, about what I was scared of, what I did know, what I didn't, why I would think a certain way about it.
and so I concluded this:
We don't know what the hell death is. we don't.. we can't fathom what it really is; it is something we can't experience and know in the sense of how we know things as living people. and that might be the most significant thing about it that scares us.
We often fear that which we don't know; and when we find out more about that thing that we don't know, we either are calmed, or are more frightened. sometimes what we find out is that we don't know that much about that something to begin with, which can be fearsome. Also important is that what we find out about something we didn't know is more than we knew before, which is comforting.
If it were me in that situation of realization, I would take solace in knowing that I now know more about that unknown thing. More important is that in realizing more about the unknown - what it is, why I react to it like I do, how it originated and operates, etc - I also learn more about what it isn't; and therefore am able to acknowledge with even greater clarity what I DID know before.
in placing this on the subject of death, life and death, and my Great-Aunt.. she is in a place where she can finally know death. and she can either be afraid or be calm. My opinion is that anyone on their deathbed will have reached a point in their mind where they can't but be settled with the idea of dying. They are on the verge of knowing and that, in essence, is absolutly nothing to be afraid of. However, it will really be one of two ways: after dying she as a spirit can either be afriad after crossing or not, be settled or not, or in fact, be hopeful or not.
if she is not afraid after crossing, well then good. like I said, I would think her not to be afraid. If she is/was, I would hope she would realize the eventuality of her resolution with the unknown. She must recognize that since she now knows death, she does not know anything, there is truly nothing unknown to her. More importantly, since she has discovered what the unknown is, she can finally and truthfully acknowledge what her known was: her life. she now knows what life truly was because she has death to compare it to.
you do not know good without knowing bad; you do not know black without knowing white; and you may not know life without knowing death.
she has entered into the spirit world and begun a new life and all I can do is give mad props and respect for that. I can only envy her and pay respect for her transcendence to the surreal world that humans spend whole lives trying attain. Death is true spirituality. I don't mean religion, whatever.. I mean the belief in the spirit.. I don't mean to knock religion, meditation, all those people that devote their lives to such a thing, a state - I am not an outsider to such beliefs - but that shit is nothing compared to death. Death is true attainment of the essence of the spirit.
She knows what death is; and fully, she knows what life was.
she lived at least 90 years! a life like that is nothing but good in the overall sense of what life is to a person that values life over death.. and she now has Eternity of spiritual life. an ETERNITY. she no longer has to deal with the trivialities and hardships of physical human life nor with the struggles of our human minds, for she is now on the spiritual path of heaven, universe, truth, and essence. to be free from the physical world is one thing; to be free from such things as time... to even be free of the boundary of Time?? man.
Her death is what my mother calls a laughing death. 'Seeu San.' 'san' is both birth and close, beginning and end. 90 years of good mischievous life is certainly worth snickering about when it finally ends. She caused her trouble and people loved her for it and now has the respect and wishes of all she touched, which is laughable.. considering spirits get more respect than when they were people. its funny. she's gone and she will get even more respect, more recognition, and possibly strike more fear into the hearts of the living than when she was running around throwing jello at people. thats something a spirit can be proud of.
And so I sat there trying to find peace within myself by resolving this idea in my head, until the incense burned out. It was my way of being there for both beginning and end, where I couldn't be there in person at her side during the week.
the rest of the day I spent recovering and regaining my own health, lest I become like her too soon...
doobin @ 2:30 PM
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