electronic impulses from brain to fingers; directed? sometimes. random? always.
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
Chinkie for life.
NorCal for life.
Bruin for life.
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
Friday, July 11, 2003
Poppin the Friendster Cherry?
......
marc's gf to me: "i'm gonna eat the cherries"
marc to her: "i'll eat YOUR cherry"
marc to gf: "my friend was mad about her woman studies class, and i asked her 'what did they make you cook?'"
marc to gf: "i'm such a waste of space"
ah yes.. good ol marc and his funny subtleties of masochism, success, and foreplay. he's a friggin future doctor for sake...
...
i am the iconoclastic insomniac that pays homage to the elastic perception of nocturnal reality as an aphrodisiac;
...
is food an expression? its creative for certain.. so does that make it an outlet of expression? and not by the physical visual art, but by the science of its flavors?
with food, you have so many flavors to play with, so many ways to manipulate it, and when you choose a method to finally realize a dish... isn't that equal to the process of choosing a surface, the medium, the object of depiction?
...
lately ive developed a penchant for:
throwing my arms out such that i lock my elbows such that my bones crack/snap.. my own chiropractition;
kielbasa sausage (which i've lived off the past week, buts its so damn good albeit 40% of sat. fat per/serving).
a penchant for quoting. riiight?? like we agreed, we should begin quoting were applicable, so names are attributed with sayings and not just forgotten like random game spit to random girls.
...
what is it about friendster? i think i let myself go to far sometimes. but i meet nice people over the internet... what, how is it different from blogging! and its funny meeting personas like Satan, Lust, MaryJane, BigTitts, Jesus, Ecstacy, Turntable, Techno (who isn't personifying the music, perse, is an actual girl, a DJ as well. and very hot.), Vinyl, Jungle, and who SEEM to be DJ Qbert and Kool Keith.
doobin @ 2:36 PM
context + recap of July 4th Weekend
......
oh just because it is somewhat necessary as contextual information, those last two very long posts came off a late night excursion into ecstacy ;p.. yessssssssss hedonism reigns!! and so yeah that would explain 1) our speed of thought 2) our subsequent loss of thought 3) our attention to each other 4) the ability to stay up six more hours to just walk... and talk. and to run around and explore the grounds of municipal building. 5) my ability to spit it all out in rapid succession so i didn't forget important things 6) the exception of things i forgot in the wake of typing what i remembered [shrug].
that was a great night though:
i woke up in the evening, had a quizno's sub meal for TWO fuckin dollars, where me and Dzuy discussed Jesse and Joyce and our opinions as to why their psylocibin aka magic mushierooooms high wasn't all that great, and the movie The Pianist.
...
[context::]
at the moment, I thought Jesse's mind was too guarded to enjoy hallucinogenics. yea he smokes bud, but i'm talking mind-bending drugs. his mind is built on skepticism and analysis and what seems to be pessimism into a sadly realistic fashion. when i wondered to him "man, maybe you're just not open" and he replied "man im open man! i'm open to alot of things"... he missed my point, i meant open as in mentally open, as in open to be HIT by the chemicals. its as if the mental blockades have bio-chemical roots.
In hindsight, it had to be the drugs. that fool took a whole 1/8 of an ounce where a normal serving is 1/16! that fucker shoulda been trippin off his fuckin dome, he shoulda been seein squigglies and maybe even distinguish the lining of the real world and find god behind the seams! two others took the same stash one night later and had little or no effect, even in a room with ADD-inflicting lasers, and the aura of euphoria emanating from tech house crazed people...[shrug] that shit has a shelf life of a year, dried. so yea not that.
Regarding the Pianist, Dzuy relayed how even in his darkest most wildest chaotic psychotic nightmares, he would and could not depict a hell such as the one portrayed in The Pianist. while i do question Dzuy's ability to summon the dark side, i don't question the boldness of the statement. maybe I should see the movie to realize. but.. really, the cruelty involved, could you imagine that shit NOW, upon hearing about how it went down less than a century ago?? i am imagining beyond-unhumane shit going on.. curious..
[::end]
...
headed back to Dzuy's place, met his brother's friends, FINALLY met his older brother Dzu who turns out to be fuckin hella funny (to me at least) because his laid back serious style portended that he just didn't give a fuck, but his plaid collar shirt tucked in his waist high pants and dapper style indicated he meant business. just the relaxed tone of his voice and vernacular was very amusing and refreshing. he was definitely the most outspoken of the group. and only resembling Dzuy at times when they would technically be in agreeance of each other in terms of discussion. only when they use the same speaking voice.
We began hopping at Highlands, this posh-guest-only-if-you-want-to-get-in Hollywood club. i had been there before for a dance performance, but this time it was different. why? NO ONE WAS FUCKING DANCING. one of the nicest placest ive seen, plush carpetting, lounge seating, couches in the vip area, good drinks, nice looking people, sure i understand the social atmosphere.. BUT NO ONE was on the dance floor. people were avoiding it! at it was 11pm what the hell. so screw that, the ladies of the Ohio crew did it right and burned the floor. yes of course I got down with em who you think i am? shoooooot..
new favorite drink: Minderaser
we left after only an hour because we had to wait for people to arrive. and then we trekked to the motherland...
Spundae @ Circus. home of global electronic music in LA. well, that and Giant.. Carl Cox was special guest for this even, driven up in a limo and all that shit, he threw down a wicked set although i wouldn't have known best because i was rolling and too energic to stop groovin. albeit some initial drama (someone lost an ID for the second time that trip and infuriated Dzu, we eventually left the guy in the van), and me leaving my wallet in the car then having to wait an extra half hour, and everyone having to wait because they reached capacity by MIDNIGHT, it was a bombass time and i didn't want the night to be over. wasn't my best dance night technically speaking... but if we're talking how fast the night went then it must've been a great night cuz that shit was over quick, i had hella energy left.
I ran into this 28 year old chick named Emily who turns out to be a person i met at EDC 2001, when she was tutting and told me i would never figure that shit out for myself. i remembered her from the smirk she wore while she would do inner tutts.
also ran into [this girl, fuck i can't believe i forgot her name...] that i met at my first 21+ outing at the Mayan theater/club when Sander Kleinenberg came out and threw a wicked ass set down. fuck... we had been waiting forever to hear that fool... Jodii! her name was Jodii.. whew.. and her unibrow boyfriend with the glowsticks.
right and then we headed back to dzuy's place, everyone who was drunk crashed, everyone who was still awake from the e was chilling, some quiet and maybe sulking from causing drama.. some assessing the night (in my opinion, too early as the night had not yet ended). me, Chris, and Cathy weren't tired of the conversation, but were rather feinding for air and me, I wanted to be on that roof in that impulsive i'm-fuckin-goin-up-there-no-matter-what way. and thats where the dialogue started.
......
yup just some context for that night is all.
Thursday July 3rd we had a barbeque at Chris' and all i'll really say about that was that i enjoyed being grillmaster for as long as i was, because the chicken i marinated came out fucking SUPERB and people see me as an authority and whatever, i gets my respect yuup. and that i didn't really want to go swimming, i wanted to get hella fucked up (and kept a buzz goin for longer than i had in a while), and that I hoped someone was going to be there, but dunno what happened to her. the night was dominated by food and Fusion Frenzy. I stayed there till about 4am (so I could play Halo with the boys muhfugga for REAL) and on the walk home (about 6-7 blocks, not far) I caught some cool pictures of things I thought should be fotograffed.
Friday July 4th, I woke up in the afternoon and had trouble deciding between shrooming with Jesse and Joyce, going to Red with Chris, Amy, Dave, or a late posing of a beach party hosted by Hazel!!! but i decided i didn't want to flake on Chris because he hates that shit, and made it so i didn't have to commit my whole night to Jesse and Joyce by letting them split the whole quarter ounce. hung out with the two political druggees and then headed to Red, which advertised Mauro Picotto was coming to town.. but then was subject to a cancellation. the club opened at its new Soho location with larger space and more rooms, with hella people waiting in line to get in. it was not worth the $20 but i enjoyed the night nonetheless, dancing where i heard the HOUSE playing (not the cheesy and old melodic trance being thrown down), watching how the mostly asian fobby crowd was getting down to the anthems. I was a bit sluggish from smoking earlier.. but overall i got tired of the ravish atmosphere quite quickly. the highlight was getting to Hodori in Ktown and MADD grubbin on bulgogi, donkatsu and some sweet spicy riceroll stuff. ended with me going back to Chris' playing Halo (single style this time) till 5am and walking home, again grabbing snapshots where i deemed necessary.
right, thus NOW it has been a proper recap.
......
le fin for the second time
......
doobin @ 9:23 AM
Monday, July 07, 2003
language
......
i think the only times people don't understand me is when they really don't understand me. they don't understand the language i'm using, or even the concept I try to convey, and nowhere do they know the things that i know. and so when I apply my experiences into whatever I do, i almost feel like people aren't going to understand it the way I feel it. wait thats a truth isn't it. i think i meant that i feel like they have no friggin clue as to what i am doing, the significance of my 'accomplishment.' Right now I think of Handmade, the show where I first read something i wrote, and I wonder how many people grasped what i was trying to say or the questions and thoughts I posed. would they have given as much thought to hearing and interpreting my words as i did in selecting them?
its hard for me to find someone to communicate to where they will understand what I am saying or trying to say; its refreshing and touching and so comfortable to me when I do find someone who puts equal, if not more, thought or effort into articulating a thought or feeling. it shows respect for language and for thoughts and instantaneous moments of clarity. and currently i mean this in the context of both spoken conversation AND physical, meaning dancing. no one knows what i mean until they dance as hard as i do, until they start tutting; no one knows what i mean until they think about their words and the meanings as much as i do. OR unless i convey my meaning correctly. that's why I appreciate dailogue and conversation like this morning's with Cathy, because we were on that level.
...
on the roof at i-dont-know-what-time-in-the-morning-maybe-5 AM, the sky was perfectly iced and shined down a white light such that my medium dark khakis, brown shoes, white polyester-cotton shirt with grey stripes and grey shirt wrapped around my waist provided an oddly natural and understated contrast.
"thats a pretty nice camera"
"What did it cost"
"...... respect... because it's my fathers"
"oh..."
on mine and Cathy's walk around the vicinity of Santa Monica and Beloit/Sawtelle, I wanted to take pictures of anything and everything. and i happened to catch a lot of good shots (to me at least) because the sparks were there in me. i saw things.. IN things, and so I sought to capture them. i could sit for days until that moment of clarity and beauty comes, because when i catch that ephemeral moment, its like.. damn. hopefully they do come out well, because i really want them to, and then I can present my first looks, pre-manual-development here.. somewhere. I should really play with my Lomo more then. ahhh more than anything i need to know the best angles. i feel like i know inherently.. and yet i feel like i don't. [jeez don't be a pussy its only a photograph...]
...
Cathy thought that there was a grave injustice when people began to derogatorize others' names. she asked,
"what do you feel when you hear the word 'nigga'?"
"I think its not a proper term, nope"
"But what do you feel when you hear it..."
i think here she was just repeating the question because i cut her off with my answer, but then i thought about it somemore and realized i don't FEEL anything. I don't have an attachment to the word and I only know it from a street sense. if anything I had learned it first as a term of endearment. there are many people who learn things in new ways that may contradict what they formerly meant, but thats just how it goes? knowing that in different time periods, 'nigga' and 'nigger' mean two different things, should I separate the contemporary connotation from the historical origin? i mean.. should I use it to adapt to the times, or keep it in my dictionary as a naughty word? I still don't think its a proper term. and I still think that people need to know the history of a word before they can understand how it came to be used today.
the point here is that, the word changed; the public perception of the word changed. and there is great schism because of it. well right then Cathy asked, "how do you stop something like that from continuing? Our ancestors fought so long and hard [just so shit like this doesn't happen.]..."
I think that it is the responsibility of the current generation and the past generations who have knowledge of deeper things to educate the new masses, to make the new blossoming generations aware of what they as a people consider injustice. you cannot have a sense of history without... a sense of PASSING ON history. i see something like the meaning of the word 'nigger'/'nigga' being changed only when the people that use it and are referred to by it realize the weight of such language. and who better to school kids than the elders? its when there is no teaching and no learning going on. current generation has definitely ignored an invaluable mode of learning through conveyance of experience by elders, instead opting for entertainment... not fulfillment ... nor wisdom.
when shit like that happens - when elders cannot express their opinions to newbies, when public perception changes because history was ingored, when names and what they represent are mutilated into something foul - we disrespect that which should be held holy. we disrespect an otherwise respectful thing... all because we are ignorant to the details. and while these details are small, they mean much more when suddenly the world becomes magnified and details are necessary to the longevity of the 'process.' if you were being held, without food or water, and you were dehydrated and malnourished, and were being tortured for what seems like endless time, what would it feel like to have a single drop of water beat the rim of your forehead?
and then this train of thought departed for a debate about 'nationality' vs 'ethnicity' as statistics, and how Cathy has a thing against the misuse of one for the other (usually nationality when ethnicity is meant). and yea that is an example of the disrespect for language, for the detail of the DEFINITION of a word. if youre not going to use a word correctly, don't fucking use it, thats all i'm saying. yes words are meant to be said, but only if they have meaning, and a CORRECT meaning by how the speaker wants it to mean. you don't just say shit because you think you can pass one thing off for another. its just.. disregard and disrespect for our own language... how fuckin silly is that?
......
le fin for now
......
doobin @ 3:31 AM
"At one point, I wished you were there."
should i have begun this as an expose on the paradoxical questions i had early on in my conversation with my friend Cathy this morning? or a recording of the situations where there seemed to be one explanation, then a rebuttal, and then a fusing conclusion? no because i can't really remember those anymore. there were so many questions and subjects that i can only begin where i can start.
"its not like my mother was a true photographer, she simply documented... but everything she's taken is art to me. my father however, is the faker." - Waylan
maybe sometimes the purest things, in their essence, can only have the shortest life to live.. to make that burst, that explosion of life and spirit the most awesomest thing to experience. and yet you wouldn't realize how great it was until you realize the essence is gone. you don't notice because that short life is what makes the experience that much more important. i'm talking symantics here. you didn't notice because you didn't know beforehand that that purity was to behold, else you would've taken it in as such. but because you didn't, it passed, as if time were the swiftest wind in the sky, and you were left wondering about its mere existence posthumously. the experience did not prelude to the short time being valued any more than usual, and yet that short time experience was one that should have been appreciated more greatly. basically you didn't know because you couldn't have known until you were given the final indicator - namely, the demise - to begin reflecting on it and thus achieve some appreciation.
reference: Bust-A-Groove 2003 preparation with SPmodern; Dzu speaking highly of Hyperion, a club whose reputation was not built around its facilities and services but around the people who would pack into one small room of its area and lend to its nickname of "The Steam Room." The Hyperion closed not long after Dzu created that memory, it seems, thus stimulating the thought on purity as ephemeral tonight. SPmodern got really tight during the week of the event and when it was over it suddenly felt bittersweet because it signaled an end. it was during that one week thhat we were in primest form, most dedicated and most heartfelt and centered with each other and with the ideal of the group overall. the purity of it was just so necessary to observe, for me.. and i know for Suz.
i can think of my own places like that. i think its a matter of the consciousness of the short time that something occurred in.. thats what leads to a great appreciation of something.. because if you're actively conscious of the event, you are appreciating every step of the way, and by the end, you have already built up something great in your mind for it.
...
i think what i like to do is note the things that contradict or rebut(?) my statements or beliefs.
problems are what lie between cause and solution. reference: Lauren Hill Unplugged 2.0
...
i just wish some conversations were recorded. some dialogues given life and concrete memory. like tonight, we went through so many things and even more things were said out of stimulation like thoughts and concepts and simple accompanied discussion, conclusion, hypotheses, theories. i hadn't felt like that how long? i feel like its so different because i think i know what it is to not have questions and to not be attentive, such that i suddenly appreciate the whole thing in a new way. the 'thing' being dialogue. and the feeling is strongest when i think that i can only have such dialogue with my friend Cathy because she truly sincerely genuinely understands what i say because she can say it in the same way, and often does. where we somehow both share the same respect for the mind and body, and their tendencies such as short term memory loss during conversation, the importance of another person as a sounding board, just for example. its where i think we see things the same way or with similar appreciations and therefore can communicate with those things being unsaid yet understood in the context between us. although things need and needed to be clarified as always, she can understand it in a way that i can explain it. we have similar languages. and possibly because we are on the same level of communication.
its just wondrous when that happens, is all.
...
On the sidewalk just south of a Santa Monica Municipal Building, with the help of Cathy, I scaled a large tree where the lowest perch spot was about 5'8" high. its funny how my initial attempt involved me running up its side and then unsuccessfully slipping down it when i couldn't grab hold of the branching corner where the branches split from the main stump. it was up fast, then down fast. and then Cathy, with the abilities of an experienced climber analyzed it for good holds, and concluded i just needed a boost. funny how i thought i could do it myself, because it came down to her helping me anyway. and while i was up there, I of course was stimulated by the formation of the branches.
"do you ever, or did you ever think about the way trees or branches split? because i started to think [therefore place greater emphasis on the fact (?) ] that branches only split off in two directions at once."
i intended to imply that this type of binary connection was outwardly visible in life in general, that there is but one of two places something can be. Cathy tangented to seaweed and their composition where its 'veins' broke off in pairs of directions too, and that it was indicative of growth.
for the most part i usually think that if i can see something, some idea, applied and proven in real life, then that same idea can be applied analogously and adaptively to any situation - and for me, as you know, the 'any' situation is usually on an abstract level of theory and what if applied to general philosophy. it works in real life, it can work in theory. humourously backwards now that i think of it but thats what nature stimulates in me.
so, as reality has proven, with trees and natural floral life, things get bigger when they grow, and in relatively patterned ways (i'm thinking binary expansion here, honestly). but this only happens when there is a split, when one becomes two. like one branch begetting two branches, like a mitosis type of thing. and i had the incorrect thought about what she said about how the seaweed grows, because i think i wanted evidence to state that the way to grow is for two sides to combine and move on as one, in the way two ideas come together and reach great fruition as fusion.. like the mix of latin music and house, like the mix of waving and hitting in popping dance, like the mix of street style and vert style skateboards into one board. but as i looked at the branches i realized they only grew by splitting and that my thought was all unfounded in this context. in a way that the contradiction nearly destroyed a strong belief of mine.
and then i looked over to a different set of branches 1 foot to the right that began split, but happened to fuse together about 2.5 feet along the length, such that they actually grew into each others' branches. i could see the seams between the two and it was a clean smooth connection. until that point i had not known that branches could intersect with other branches in that way. the nail in the coffin? out of the seam sprung a foot tall stem of leaves.
[hold for effect]
to say the least.. it was quite a contrast of color, the small amount of green life in the crook of relative old and guarded place of brown-grey hide of the tree; to say the most.. it was quite an auspicious occurence for me. hopefully you know why right? in case you are too lazy to ponder why, its because i felt justified in my belief again, and that the incidence of the stem brought back a sense of balance, that the occurence of growth and life out of the intersection of two things that normally grow by splitting was very profound at that moment and even now. i have pictures to prove it.
......
I feel i take pictures to try to capture a moment. i will sit there until bang! there is that spark, not exactly from the subject, but from inside me, the photographer, that tells me to capture what i see. its like i am waiting for that feeling inside me to decide that the picture is worth taking in order to stimulate in the future whatever i felt at the moment that i decided to take the picture. its like, i take pictures so i don't forget something, so i don't lose something that i otherwise found. a recording of my findings yes.
"Have you heard of Ralph Waldo Emerson? i think he said that "any life that can be reflected on is a good one." Pictures are good because they help me reflect." - Cathy
"you know, we could be speaking quotables now and not really noticing it. i say we quote each other whenever it is applicable." - Me
...
quotable:
"i think the best drivers see a path, assess the traffic, and then execute." - Chris Leung
...
"Welcome to the UCLA School of Pornography"
the term "evolutionary behavior" has been a strong new concept with myself and my friends Cathy and Chris. and i don't think they even spoke to one another about it, but fact is i heard it from both. if you'll allow, a paraphrased dialogue but really a reassessment of thoughts and information/concepts by me on the dialogue between Chris and I (which was actually mainly him theorizing) and between Cathy and I:
it seems like everything we do has some evolutionary basis, i mean that everything we do can be traced back to some type of evolutionary behavior. jealousy for one, has roots in that sense of protection, sense of territory, that instinct. we wouldn't have what we have unless we didn't protect it early on. we eat because we have sense of nourishment and the need for sustenance. we procreate because.. we have that instinct for survival and special perpetuation (adjective of species) and the means to achieve it. we benefit, more or less from these instincts and tendencies.
...
burping game -> sex noises -> school of pornography -> voyeurism as an observational tool -> when did it turn from a tool to a taboo?
"when did it go from a helpful thing to something that is looked down upon?"
"when it started to be bad.. when sex was so free that we did it so much that it was detrimental to our health (ie STDs)."
taboo > porn as observational tool for increasing pleasure, for the non-procreation side. > giving pleasure to a woman generates loyalty >
the concept of pornography began as an evolutionary tool for survival. way back when, girls would watch other people having sex, copulating, procreating, to get hints. they would watch a woman with a man, and see what she was doing to achieve pregnancy and then they used imitation to recreate... procreation. the act of voyeurism in this case has the role of an observational tool. but where did voyeurism begin to be looked down upon? at the point where we were doing it so freely that it affected our health (ie STDs), where sex itself was looked down upon? definitely at least before they began to treat sex as a drug that should be shrouded in secrecy and treated with an air of abstinence and celibacy.
so the women realized the right ways to achieve pregnancy, and thus satisfied their instinct for survival and the methods to gain it. from that.. they must have realized that pregnancy was a painful ordeal and may have wanted to observe how some girls just didn't get pregnant. so again voyeurism played a role as a tool. right now i'm just curious how they found that pulling out was a solution... [shrug]
so there were two ways to deal with sex, as a method of procreating, and not. all the while the aspect of pleasure is dominant of course. from here i wonder and laugh at how voyeurism can be seen not as a tool for achieving pregnancy but as a tool to aid in achieving or giving pleasure, because thats what modern pornography seems to me to be now. Given, the 'actors' and 'actresses' are 'acting,' and even if they aren't, they are conveying the reception of pleasure due to sex. and so essentially it gives people new ideas on what to do in the sack! putting the GRRRR in SWINGERRRRR baby!
and then Cathy acknowledges how sexual ability is indication of physical ability and how giving pleasure to a woman makes her want to be loyal. and that sex itself is settling and bonding for the two people. and how if i don't call a girl the next day after sex, i don't support the bond that we created and then she is left to assume that I am avoiding her and then shit gets all fucked up when relationships become awkward and yeah suddenly I am left wanting to give her a good time that is better than the circumstances of the past... because i know i can make her feel new things.
and even then that seems evolutionary because sex is bond is weakness is strength is loyalty is singularity is perfection and the need to sustain this connection is innate.
porn as a tool. go figure.
so like i said, "we benefit, more or less, from these instincts and tendencies." we have innate sense of sex, food, security, survival.
BUT.
but.
"but what is beneficial about music? what is satisfied by that instinct?" - Chris
[shrug?]
...
tonight seemed to be a night (or.. morning, better yet) to pose good questions. and i've come to the conclusion that some of the best questions are the ones that ask nothing and everything at the same time. where they are asked of me, of the person to themselves, or to no one in particular at all. where they really don't have an answer at the moment. those pesky yet pretty rhetoricals... like glistening pectorals.. whatwhosaidthat?
...
it just seems like... everyday i live my life seeking the answers to all my own questions.
......
le fin but not really
.....
doobin @ 3:29 AM
|
|
| |
|
|
|
